I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game