“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Best spoiler warning ever
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My favorite farside!!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs