*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
You Might Also Like
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK