Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?