“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I have many caverns
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around