I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
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I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam