GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Have a lovely day 😊
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?