[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear