Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Raisins are grape jerky.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them