Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
<- sleeps well with others
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.