My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.