They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
You Might Also Like
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.