My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Taking phone security to the next level.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“That’s what” – She
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*