[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
And that about sums it up.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀