[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I hate my earbuds.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.