Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’