eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
when revenge coincides with naptime
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.