Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
That’s classic.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
The internet is magic sometimes.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out