8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
😂😂😂
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.