Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes