found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same