OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
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Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
lmao
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.