Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
You Might Also Like
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way