The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!