[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
What flavor cupcake are these
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.