I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Wise advice
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
nyc:
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.