Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Jurassic park gets weird
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.