[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along