Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh