He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.