[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?