I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
damn he’s good
Is….Is this an option?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
i- i did not expect this
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down