me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.