Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that