I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.