My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
girls literally only want one thing..
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”