me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn鈥檛 bothered to move from her spot. We鈥檙e having a performance review this evening and if she doesn鈥檛 get her shit together she鈥檚 getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Ketchup isn鈥檛 food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
if you think you鈥檙e having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 馃槈
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
馃槀馃槀
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You don鈥檛 have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.