Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
don’t we all
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.