*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
rapatouille
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..