A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?