Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.