Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.