I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.