make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Worst bar ever.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?