I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When libraries troll their patrons.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.