I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light