Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Wait for it
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of