shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Put a ring on it
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’