Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
we’re dead?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.