[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
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me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
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Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
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Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
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Me: Apples!
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Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
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